Why I hate Twilight

Hello, how are you?

This is a blog dedicated to my exertion of the intense hatred of things I hate. Generally, most of these things are usually associated with the current culture (e.g. movies, music, celebrities) but sometimes, I foray into things I hate that have been around since as long as I can remember, such as pepper, splinters and paper cuts. So necessarily, this isn't a racist/sexist/ageist blog. However, I might tiptoe the topic of religion, but that's probably only because I'm apparently Christian (but I'm not).

NOTE: If you are offended by any of this, it is not my fault you are reading it. You have been warned.

Anyway, let's begin!

Twilight

When I googled "Twilight", about six image results popped up on Google, all of which I believe are unsuitable to use on this blog for an initial post. "But of course!" I remembered, as I flicked through Facebook, looking for my anti-Twilight/Vampire Diaries group. I found it, and I'm borrowing the image for it, which was found by somebody else on DeviantART, which in turn means I have no idea who the creator of this beautiful piece of art is.


There isn't really much to say about Twilight. For those who have been living under a rock, it's this million (billion, maybe?) dollar franchise that was initially a series of books (much like Harry Potter), and was then turned into a series of movies (much like Harry Potter). The cast is also full of initially unknown actors (much like Harry Potter). But mind you, I guess that terrible acting is not really the main reason on why I hate Twilight so much. Heck, I haven't even seen the films or read the books! If anything, it's the franchising and publicity that pisses me off. The amount of awards I've seen this "fantastic group of promising young actors" receive has been enough to tip me over the edge.

And when you see McDonald's rip offs Red Rooster having meals in celebration of the latest Twilight "smash hit", "New Moon" (the promotion ended on Boxing Day, according to this), it turns me off the brand. Next time Red Rooster do something for Stephanie Meyer and co, remind me. I'm never eating Red Rooster again. The only thing I liked about Red Rooster is the chips anyway. Sadly, I couldn't find a picture of the Red Rooster meal, but I did find this picture of a red rooster.

Turns out that their newest promotion is about salad. FUCKING SALAD.

"If you fancy a salad, it’s gotta be red."

Yeah, right.

If only the first Twilight film had been as successful as the Fantastic Four sequel. Oh wait, the Fantastic Four sequel wasn't that successful? What a shame.


And don't think the creator, Stephanie Meyer, gets away unscathed! She has two questions to answer;
1. Why the fuck is New Moon about a girl's choice necrophilia and bestiality?
With the idea for this question coming courtesy of this Facebook group, I wonder myself if Miss Meyer is a fan of either of these foul sexual acts. Maybe she has a dirty side that she exerts in her literature, I don't know.

2. Does she know what she has created?
For some reason earlier today, I stumbled across this website. As I looked at it, a little part of me died inside. To be honest though, I enjoy reading MyLifeIsTwilight.com and mocking everyone on it.

But, the point I'm trying to get across is this:

"The first thing I did in 2010 was kiss my Edward cardboard cut-out."

Does that not concern you? If not, then maybe this will:

"Today while I was filling my car up with gas I saw that the truck waiting behind mine was exactly the one Bella owns. It gets weirder. At the pump next to mine was a silver volvo. I was very tempted to see if Bella and Edward were meeting up but I decided against it. MLIT"

Again, what THE FUCK. There are people that actually believe Edward and Bella are real!

And then there are the poor boyfriends (who are clearly torturing themselves by dating a lunatic who's a member of Team Edward or Team Jacob) that suffer too:

"Today, my fiance turned on his Xbox after I had watched Twilight 3x in a row on it, and the red ring of death popped up on it. His Xbox is fried and completely dead now because I watched Twilight on it too much and it over heated! MLIT and my fiance had to go out and buy a new Xbox"

Poor bastard. I still think Playstation 2 is the best gaming experience ever.

... Ahem. Where was I? That's right.

DIRTY NECROPHILIAC BRAINWASHER

etc

but i'll give her points for liking Muse though

that's about all i'll give her really

The last topic on Twilight I shall attack will be Team Edward/Team Jacob. A few weeks back, I was in a Hungry Jack's, when this short-ish, almost imp-like girl walked in. She was wearing a Team Jacob t-shirt, and when the skinny little tramp ordered a Diet Coke, it left me wondering; what the fuck? Does Jacob like anorexics who drink Diet Coke?

Of course not, he's fictional, remember. Apparently, the whole Edward versus Jacob has a whole campaign to go with it; t-shirts, hats, bags, you name it. Again, it's all about franchising, and profit, which can be identified properly by the Underpants Gnomes:


Phase 1 is simple: it's all about the collection of underpants. In this case, we are collecting the underpants of teenage girls who are smitten by fictional vampires and werewolves.

Actually, scratch that. What I was about to say would've made no sense whatsoever. However, this will, I hope. Here's what answer I got when I asked a friend (who loves Twilight) what she knew about this battle of the fictitious characters:

"Its pretttyyy much just...who you like better. Some people like Edward, some like Jacob. Because theyre the main two guys in Belllas life. And Jacob plays a big part in New Moon, hes there when Edward isnt.

Im Team Edward =)"

I don't get it, and hopefully, if you're not a Twilight fan, neither should you.

In conclusion, Twilight is the next big evil after global warming, poverty and pandas (not necessarily in that order). Although I haven't read the books or seen the movies, the whole world being obsessed with glittery, gay vampires has left me knowing why there's so many single girls; they're all indebted to being Edward's or Jacob's sex slave, with both Edward and Jacob being completely fictional. Stephanie Meyer is most certainly the next leader of a mass cult, and I believe that if she wants advice, she should take a leaf out of L. Ron Hubbard's book and create a religion like Scientology.

So that's my opinion on Twilight. Stay tuned for my follow up: it's a toss up between Tiger Woods, Miley Cyrus and pepper.